I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
