Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
