I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
