dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
