why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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