if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
