Texts From Last Night

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  but she's really nice

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  (301): She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds. (301): but she's really nice http://tfl.nu/144l
  Replies (3) Good night (1090) Bad night (476)
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  (510): View more from California

  one might say we're banned from that church

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  (510): one might say we're banned from that church http://tfl.nu/l4dz
  Replies (5) Good night (3908) Bad night (695)
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  (433): View more from

  There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables

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  (433): There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables http://tfl.nu/c33j
  Replies (63) Good night (1376) Bad night (3991)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.

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  (803): i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright. http://tfl.nu/lklv
  Replies (39) Good night (6871) Bad night (1619)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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  (+61): I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy. http://tfl.nu/xos0
  Replies (10) Good night (5623) Bad night (762)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
  Replies (6) Good night (4918) Bad night (1003)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.

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  (248): I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell. http://tfl.nu/ttak
  Replies (9) Good night (2738) Bad night (912)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

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  (405): It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/gobu
  Replies (6) Good night (668) Bad night (1711)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
  Replies (3) Good night (1924) Bad night (670)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends

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  (517): I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends http://tfl.nu/sky7
  Replies (4) Good night (1359) Bad night (390)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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  (913): "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol. http://tfl.nu/3cka
  Replies (6) Good night (1150) Bad night (369)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  They're like sad pomegranates.

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  (810): So I went tanning and I burned my boobs. (810): They're like sad pomegranates. http://tfl.nu/z57h
  Replies (3) Good night (304) Bad night (1027)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(

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  (406): I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :( http://tfl.nu/1rqk
  Replies (6) Good night (217) Bad night (559)
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  (347): View more from New York

  She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.

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  (347): She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina. http://tfl.nu/bvik
  Replies (2) Good night (345) Bad night (466)
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  (516): View more from New York

  I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"

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  (516): I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice" http://tfl.nu/h37t
  Replies (0) Good night (406) Bad night (193)

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