So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night