I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
