the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
