stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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