Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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