why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
