does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
