I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
