Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
