I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
