hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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