An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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