i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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