If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
