he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
