I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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