Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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