He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
