I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
