Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
