found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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