i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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