Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
