Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
