I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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