my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
