there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
