Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
