Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this beer tastes like vomit already
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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