Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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