I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
