Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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