Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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