i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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