Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
