I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
