you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
