my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
