In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
