Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
