All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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