my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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