I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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