She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there is glitter all over my balls
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