He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
