omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you had me at cake vodka
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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