Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
