im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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